AMAZING

I have not posted lately, because i keep reading over and over this series of books. "The Hunger Games" by suzanne collins.



That;s all i have right now. oh! and planning a wedding. Friday mom and i go and look at reception venues.......eloping is sounding good already lol

Well aren't we just a great big ball of sunshine!

To Anon:  Yes, there are times when I would say it's over. But you know what? FUCK YOU. I write in this blog for my own satisfaction and for my own reasons. I don't write in it to wait for comments on my entries. So, with that, anonymous people can no longer write comments on here. So whoever you are, if you want to leave a comment, you can just sign in and let me know who you are. and if i dont like what you say, im still going to delete it.

wow its been a while

I have been looking through all my old pictures, at least the ones that I'm tagged in.  I have realized many things:

1. I want either REALLLy long straight hair, or SHORT straight hair. either way, i need to get rid of this curl, oh and i want some bangs too..

2. I need to start wearing makeup again. I used to wear makeup everyday, and i don't anymore. maybe that's why i dont feel as pretty as i used to. 

3. i miss those times.  I miss being able to go out and just drive around. But then again, I would NEVER trade what I have right now for even one night of being younger and stupid. My life is far too wonderful to risk anything.  Why would I want to? I have a beautiful, smart, sweet, funny, amazing little girl, and a wonderful, strong, supportive man.  And I have them FOREVER. What is better than that?

4. I WANT BANGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

ok, I am done now. See ya next month prolly lol.

AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

twice in one fuckin week my fucking car craps out on me. im in need of a new one. buuuuuut of fucking course i have terrible to no credit so ill just be laughed at at a car dealership. fucking great. fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck

a wonderful day

today bear and i went to the store and got groceries for while my parents are out of town. after that we had lunch with daddy and went to finally quit at rl. then we came home and played in the SPRINKLER!!!!!!! Now we are relaxing while i get ready to fix dinner :-) what should i fix?? salisbury steak or fish sticks and mac?

i love her

my daughter is amazing. she and i played outside tonight and has a blast. bubbles and bike and skating!!!

ogdgcgjvcuv

tell them that im defying gravityyyyyyyy

i wish i could burst out into song like on broadway musicals

-------------------

i think id make a good elpheba.....thoughts??

who are you?

okay so its been forever since i updated, cuz i work all the time. but WHO is this anonymous? whoever you are, you are not nice, and im about to change over the settings to where you HAVE to sign in. guh.

What a day

WORST NIGHT EVER

so bored

im bored ar work and all i can smell is toll house cookies. i want cookies!!!!!! someone bring me cookies!!!!!

okay im an idiot

i keep posting blogs but i was doing it on my other one!  im an idiottttttttt. so heres my first mobile post!

day seven

a song that reminds you of a certain event....

this song reminds me of the day sarah was born. it was the movie that troy bought me to watch while in labor BUT i forgot it at home! hahahahahahahahah



haven't updated cuz ive been busy at work! lol my new job is amazing and i love it! i have benefits, i have a new phone coming tomorrow and one for troy too!!!

stalk all you want lol

Day six? maybe seven?

a song that reminds you of a certain place....

this one is tough. i can remember certain places, but no song comes to mind except one.  my sophomore year orchestra played the best song in the world. it brought everyone to tears and i even cried a little.  i wish i still played well and that i could play that song. it's called "Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis" by R. Vaughan Williams.  This man FOCUSED on the violas. So we actually got a cool part. This song is actually on the soundtrack of Master and Commander: The far side of the world. (a wonderful movie by the way)

listen to the song, it is beautiful, and if you have any interest in this type of music, you will love it

six

Day six, a song that reminds you of somewhere.

Muse- unintended.

reminds me of last year around this time. amandas wedding. it was such a fun time and it was when my two best friends were finally together again.  we had a great week spending time together, and to top it all off, we celebrated a friend being married. this is the song that the bridesmaids walked down the aisle to.  the next time we all get together again will be my wedding.
-----------------------------------------------------------

I LOVE MY NEW JOBBBB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


it is so fun, it is so relaxed, and it is just awesome. it sucks that i dont sit at all, but i will get over it.  one thing i am doing when i get my first tmobile paycheck is getting a pair of toms.  i cant wait.

also, i will be buying the new sookie stackhouse book "dead reckoning" CANT WAIT!!!!! also true blood season 4 starts at the end of the month!!!!!


fuh-reaking WOOT

This day was crazy

Day five: a song that reminds you of someone

This song reminds me of my sister lol. She and i will blare this song on the radio and do our own made up dance moves to the song. Also, ANYTHING by nsync remind me of my sister. she is amazing and she is an awesome sister.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today after I took sarah to school, tornado warnings start popping up! I was worried because she was at school and not with me. But I called the school and everyone was fine.
When i went to pick her up they told me the story:
      They had all the kids in the safe place. And what they do is they have the kids crouch down and they put their nap pads over them for more protection.  She goes to school with about twenty other kids, so they were all hysterical.. When they went to check on sarah (amanda's mom is the director and pays special attention  to bear) she wasn't hysterical or making a single noise.  When they checked on her, she looked up and her face was all puffy. She had been crying silently and not making a single peep. My baby was so good! Yes, she was scared but she didn't let anyone know and she did what she was supposed to do! I was so proud of her, and so we took her to get ice cream tonight.

My baby is such a good kid. Words cannot describe how proud i am to be her mother.  I cant get over how amazing she really is.

quatre

Day four of this challenge.....

just so you know i may just randomly start forgetting to do this lol

a song that makes me sad:

this song was my brother's class song in 98.  this song was also played at his close friends funeral ten years ago. a boy that grew up down the street from  us. and i graduated with his younger brother ben  (sanderson).  i hear it and it makes me cry. sean to this day still cant listen to it.

=====================

my brother and i are very close and so it find it weird but good at the same time that we are affected emotionally by the same things. out of all three of my brothers, sean is the one who will express his emotions.
i love my brother and this one is for him







and be thankful youre not in kc.... BAD storms

day trois

Day Three

A song that makes you happy. EASY

this song reminds me of when sarah was born and it makes me smile everytime i hear it. :)

getting a head start

Day two of the music challenge!

My least favorite song.....

that's easy! ANYTHING by nickelback!!!!

I dont know why, but I hate nickelback with a passion. so there ya go....


Work tomorrow! Went out with my momma today to make sure i knew how to get out there lol...

I'm excited!

Okay, I'll do it :)

Thirty Day Song Challenge Day One- Your favorite song

I have a few, but I'll only post like one, or two

This is my favorite, because A: i LOVE MCR and b: it's troy's and my song. the first time we kissed, we had this song playing. lol weird, i know, but it has a huge meaning for us.  and yeah.

that's all i can think of lol


there ya go. stay tuned for more! and i start my new job tomorrow! im nervous and excited at the same time! gotta clean now!

I am still angry.

I am still angry.  Angry that my cat had to be taken away from me. Angry that I have lost so many in less than six months. Angry that I couldn't do anything about it.

I know that God has a plan for everyone, and He does everything for a reason. I know that He gave me Sarah. And I thank him for her.  She is such a blessing in my life, I don't think I could imagine one day without her.

But that still doesn't change the fact that God has taken six that I love away from me, just in the first five months of the year.

I am angry. Hurt. Sad. Pissed off. Grieving.

Is it bad to say that if it had been one of the other kittens, I may not have been as affected? I just fell in love with Milton.  He was an outcast. Kinda like me and troy.

I would just like to know WHY. WHY God had to take him away from us.  Is that too much to ask?

Milton is with them all

Milton went to heaven today. We took him to the vet and had him put down.  Then, we took him  home and buried him in my parents' backyard.

Sarah says "Milton is in heaven.  He is with God and he loves God."

I used to love mondays

But this coming monday is going to suck.  We are going to take milton to be put down.  He is not healthy enough to have a happy life, and he isn't growing. He's three months old and looks like he is still 6 weeks old.

I am very angry right now. Angry, hurt, sad, PISSED THE FUCK OFF.

Since August, I have lost 7. SEVEN people close to me. (I haven't lost milton yet, but it's only too soon)

It's just not fair.  I mean, I am stoked that I will be starting a new job on the 23rd, but really?God, really? You just had to rain on my parade by taking my cat away from me.  Troy's cat. SARAH'S FUCKING CAT!!!!!!

How are we supposed to explain this to her?!?!? She's three! She is going to ask me on monday afternoon "mommy, where's milton???"

I am pissed.

"...he will be our friend for always and always and always." ~ Rudyard Kipling

I sure hope this isn't going to be number six for me, God. I am having a hard time this year, with all of the ones you've taken away from me for no damn reason.  He is only twelve weeks old, and he is nothing but a sweetheart. Please, God, I need this kitten. He needs me and troy. We are all he would have and to take him away from us, it's not fair.

I love this baby, like he is my actual child. Wait, rephrase, he IS my child.  I have been with him since he was born, and he is my child, and he is troy's child.  We need to have him get healthy. Please, God, please.

I am so happy

Well, if you didn't read the last post, I will let you know, that I got the job at tmobile!!!

I start a week from monday and I am so unbelievably excited!!!! Okay, so it's at oak park mall, and that's quite a trek, but, it's a better job than i have right now.

FIRST OFF, it's part time, but i still get FULL BENEFITS!

SECOND OFF, its 9.76 an hour, PLUS commission!!

THIRD OFF, DISCOUNTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

yeah, im happy.




ps. so sorry again, i hope you are doing okay

FINALLY

I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB

What a Weekend

This was a crazy weekend!!!

Friday morning, I had an interview with Tmobile at 8 am in Overland Park, KS. I made it there in time and I did really well! I will post my progress about that.  I also got to have DUNKIN DONUTS!!!!!!!!! I haven't had that in almost 5 years!!!! It was amazing!

Saturday, I worked literally all day. It sucked, but I will be making commission on friday. thank god.

Yesterday was Sarah's birthday party, and it was a blast! Family and my best friend ( in town) was able to come and enjoy it, and take wonderful pictures!  Sarah made out like a freakin' bandit!!! So many clothes, and so many toys! My sister got her roller skates! She is so excited to use them! Now I just need to get Bear a helmet and knee pads and we will be good to go!

Today, Troy and I are (kinda) celebrating our four year anniversary.  Four years ago today, was our first official date.  And I couldn't be happier. I am sitting in the arm chair right now, while he is lying on the couch taking a nap before work, just like bear is taking a nap.

I could make this post real sappy about how these past four years have been so amazing, but instead I will use pictures!  ahahahahah  

All of the pictures posted are from the past years, Amanda had posted some pictures from yesterday, but I can't seem to save them, so she will have to email them or i will have to steal them ahah but here they are.

I am so lucky to be a part of this beautiful family.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Sarah's Birthday Party!!!! I can't wait!!! She is such a princess, so we are having aprincess and Tangled theme going. 

I hope it doesnt rain tomorrow, so please pray it doesnt, cuz we're having it at a big park!!!!


Yay!

The Time Has Come

To leave somewhere. I just don't know which place to leave.


Any suggestions?

I cried a little.

I thought I was going to bawl my eyes out yesterday when my baby turned three. But, i only cried a little.

She had a great day. We spent the whole day together just mommy daddy and sarah and we saw a movie and played and all around had a great time.

Friday is her birthday dinner, and then sunday is her birthday party at the park. *let's pray it doesn't rain!*

For My Precious Angel.

My bear turns three tomorrow. Three years old! I can't believe it's been three years since I was in labor and gave birth to the most amazing little girl in the world.  It makes me sad, but I am also so very proud because of how smart, and sweet, and kind, and funny, and amazing, and and all around awesome kid she is.

I will admit it though, she is S-P-O-I-L-E-D SPOILED. She can be rotten at times, but I honestly don't think it's as bad as it seems. She says please and thank you, and she asks before getting things. Yeah, she throws a fit when she doesn't get her way, but what toddler doesn't do that? Either way, she is my princess, and she knows it lol. 

We are having a special night with mommy and daddy tomorrow, and may go to the movies. And then friday is her special dinner with mommy and daddy and the grandparents on both sides. (she gets to choose where we go for dinner). And then her birthday party is Sunday! I think I am going to take her tomorrow to pick out her cake at Wal-Mart. She will most likely want Princess or Tangled. (She is obsessed with that movie)

Wow, this has been nothing but sarah. lol it's okay, because she's awesome.

 this was from her first birthday,

this was from her second birthday

 this is just a few weeks ago....

and from when she was born.



My goodness, she has grown so much, and has gotten so beautiful!!!!




p.s. happy birthday to you on wednesday.

Waiting....

Sitting and waiting at the hospital for my sister to get out of surgery.  I'm so glad I brought my laptop with me, so that I can blog and facebook and just play in general while I wait.

I woke up at 630 this morning, and ten minutes later, Sarah woke up.  I could have sworn that I would have to pry her away from the bed this morning, but I am so proud of her for being a big girl and getting up and dressed with only a bit of whining.

I hate hospitals. Yes, they are great because babies are born here, and lives are saved. But lives are also lost. and at this hospital, i have lost many people in just this year alone.

I can't deal with it anymore. But I know my sister is going to be just fine. She's just having an appendectomy and a tube and ovary removed. It's routine stuff, so she's gonna be just fine. 

I'm where I'm meant to be.......

It's like the fog has lifted, honestly. I have come to the realization that within a month, it is my DESIRE to be out of red lobster. 

I just need to figure out where I can apply. I have applied at so many different places already and nothing has happened.  I feel like I am not capable of anything when I don't even get a call for an interview. 

I can't be a host for the rest of my life, and I don't want a job where I am on my feet all day long. 

If anyone knows of any job openings, NOT IN THE RESTAURANT OR RETAIL business, please let me know.

kthnxbai

at last i see the light

this song will be incorporated into my wedding somehow

All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you


All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things, the way they were 
Now she's here shining in the starlight
Now she's here, suddenly I know
If she's here it's crystal clear
I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog is lifted

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once, everything is different
Now that I see you, now that I see you

On the Road to Recovery

I am on the mend! I rested for about 8 hours on saturday, and i rested for another couple today.  I feel better than I did, but I am not back to 100%.  Thank you for your comment, it made me feel better.

Anyone have any opinions on those e-cigs? I would love to hear your input.


Either way, have a great night, I know I will!

seriously

this has been the week from hell. I lose ANOTHER person close to me from church, go to her funeral, have to miss 3 days of work and i have bronchitis. i don't care about grammar right now, i just want to fucking feel better.

anyone got any magic medicine????

not so silver

it's over....

so over.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

SERIOUSLY. IF YOU TAKE ONE MORE PERSON FROM ME THIS YEAR, I AM NOT GOING TO BE OKAY. I WILL NOT BE OKAY. I WILL NOT BE OKAY.


PLEASE GOD, STOP IT. I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE


edit:

i just found out a while ago that a dear friend, my other mother, and grandmother rolled into one, will be taken off life support saturday. she has been in the hospital for two months and has had lung problems for a while. so, that was a rant. i could really use a beer right now. i wish i had some yuengling

I yam what I yam.

I am a mother
I am a fiance
I am a hard worker
I am cook
I am a baker
I am a seamstress
I am a saleswoman
I am a woman

I am happy

(this isn't a poem, I just wanted to do that)

::::::
Give me time, I will say more when I am ready.

But yes, I did see her tonight. And she looked good. But please, give me time. Don't push, but be patient. I don't know how the communication will be, but just give me time.

A silver lining

Troy and I may be getting an apartment soon! I don't want to jinx it, so that's all I am saying about it. 

:-D yeah, i'm excited

help

just help me...

Stupid Wisdom Teeth

I sit here watching family guy, waiting for troy to get here, and I am sitting in pain. Absolute fucking pain.  My wisdom teeth are coming in, at least I am pretty sure.

I have a dentist appt in two weeks, and after that I may have to have oral surgery. It depends on what is going on with my mouth.  I wish my mouth could be normal, but no, I have weak teeth, and spaces where teeth never grew in, and all my front teeth are crowded. you WOULD think that I would have had braces a LONG time ago.

I just saw on tv that Arthur comes out on friday. OMGGGGGG I think maybe troy and I may go see it! But I do know that NO MATTER WHAT my sister and I are going to see water for elephants when it comes out. I loaned the book to her so I hope she is enjoying it.


I may apply for a new position at david's. wish me luck. i don't think I will get it, but there's no harm in trying right??

i hope i get considered and not laughed at. i think i may have truly found my calling.



EDIT: I just remembered, Sarah's school is having PICTURE DAY next wednesday!!!!!!!!!!! My baby is gonna be 3 in three weeks. can't effing believe it!  My baby girl is gonna be THREE! That day is gonna be a special day for mommy and sarah. we are gonna go get our nails done or something special. i can't wait!


Edit again:
i have to post this video. it's sara ramirez singing brandi carlile's "the story" its FREAKING AMAZING

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8xeIgAinQc

Water For Elephants

I know nobody reads this, but I feel better when I write in here.

I just read water for elephants. That book was the best book I have read since....well...ever. To me, it was even better than twilight, true blood and harry potter put together. I cried, I laughed, and I got angry.

It was a wonderful book and I am so glad I read it before seeing the movie.

My sister and I are gonna go see it together. Hopefully opening night.

All done here.

So tired.

Today, I am exhausted.  My weekends don't exist anymore. It's work, home, dinner, sleep, and all over again.

Troy and  I will be getting an apartment together soon.  I don't care how big it is, as long as we can have a place of our own....

It's been a long time coming, and it's going to happen.

Is that so much to ask?

If anyone is out there, let me know what places there are to rent.

Movie night?

I rented life as we know it. i hope to watch it tonight, or maybe tomorrow.

i have been feeling odd lately. not here or there, i just feel like im drifting from one job to the next with a little time in between to spend with troy and sarah. during that time, because i am so tired, sarah gets on my nerves. of course, after that i feel like a bad parent because in the little time i get with my child, im not appreciating the valuable time we have together.
i ask myself, am i a bad mother???? do i hurt my child? no. do i neglect my child? no. she gets so much love from me and her daddy that she is hardly neglected.  do i see my child enough? that is a definite no.  because i am working two jobs, i don't see my daughter as much as a mother should.

but does that make me a bad mother because i don't see her except at night and rarely on the weekends? she spends time with her daddy when he's not working and then she is either with her aunt and cousins or her grandparents.

to me, that seems like a pretty awesome life. and monday she starts a "preschool" setting of a daycare.  i am very excited for that, but also, one more thing im not doing with her is helping her learn everything.  someone else is doing it..
i feel like i should quit one of my jobs. and make time for sarah. ha. then we wouldnt have any money.. 

i guess i just need to go grab my bear, give her a big hug and kiss and i will feel better.....

but in the back of my mind, i'm wondering, "am i making the right choices for her right now by working two jobs? am i scarring her for life, or am i preparing her for something else? do i even know what that something else is?"

i hate doubt.

I love this song.

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Things Lately

Lately, I've been planning a wedding, planning a new life. Finally this summer, hopefully Troy and I will be getting our own place.  I basically live at his house but we are GOING to get our own place.

The wedding is going to be October 27, 2012. I know its a year and a half away, but we want it in the fall and we want enough time to plan it.

I can't wait. I can't wait to have my dream wedding.  and I can't wait to finally have the name of Halter.

I know this is a selfish post, but I dont care lol.  

Have a nice day errbody.

I wish you were here.

Last night, I found an old video tape. It had me as a newborn on it, me as a toddler in the tub, and my grandparent's (on my dad's side) 50th wedding anniversary party.  It made me realize how much I miss my grandparents. All four of them.  It made me wish they were still here, and that they would be able to see my daughter grow up.  I miss them every day, but this year it seems to be extremely high.

I just lost my grandfather, Gra, on my dad's side in january.  He was the last living grandparent i had.  And then two weeks ago, I lost my surrogate grandfather from my church.  I don't know how to deal with all this death.  It's eating at me inside and I am afraid that one of these days I am going to just break down and lose it.

I am thankful I had Sarah when I did.  This way I know she will have her grandparents for a longer time than I had.  I thank God every day for the fact that I am a young mother.

So to all those who still have their grandparents living, call them, and tell them you love them.  Send them a card, just thanking them for being alive. Don't take them for granted, because you know that they won't be there forever.

Wow, this is a long post so far.  Now to update on how hectic life has been lately.

Ever since I started working at David's Bridal, home life has been a little hard. Sarah has entered the terrible twos and it's been hard.  I can't seem to say no sometimes, and it doesn't help.  I need to become more stern in my decisions for her, and I need to be there for her.  It doesn't help that when I get home from work, I am bone tired.  All Sarah wants when I get home is to love on me, and give me hugs, and I am too tired to deal with it! Does that make me a bad mom? I am trying to work hard to get a better job, and with this comes sacrifices that will help in the long run. That doesn't make me a bad mom does it???


Ugh, I am just venting and tired. Go figure.

exhausted.

working two jobs is exhausting. but with it, ive lost ten pounds in the past two months! just 15 more to go!!!!!! 20 if im lucky!!!!! i love it at davids. the girls are so fun to work with and i can actually relate to them.

i miss spending time with my bear. i am jealous of those who get to spend time with their children all day every day.  those who get to do that take it for granted. whoever reads this, please, don't take your children for granted, or the fact taht you see them all the time. cherish it. my daughter grows bigger every time i see her, and i miss her more and more every day.

as i lie here

As i lie here next to troy, listening to his steady breathing, i realize how wonderful my life is right now. i honestly could not be happier. and now my computer is dying. all done.

Can't believe it.

My daughter is going to be 3 in three months. I can't believe how big she has gotten! She is potty trained almost completely now! I mean she goes into the bathroom by herself and goes potty! She is still working on the toilet paper part, but hey! I'll take it!

We are also starting to work with her on letters, numbers and shapes.  I got her some workbooks so learning can be super fun for her! :D


My life is pretty grand right now.  Work is going great, at least at one job, and I am so freakin happy!!!

:D

new year, new goal!

my new goal: to weigh 125 pounds. i can do it. i know i can. or at least maintain a size four. that is my goal. i can do it. i can do it. yes i can!

things seem to be going my way, this week at least. i need to restart my membership at the cc and start working out more, to get rid of all this fat. i can do it.

Totally Dig It

My grandfather passed away on friday of last week.  His funeral was tuesday. It still really hasn't hit me that he's gone.  

I was never super super close to gra.  He really only came around while my grandma was alive, and that's because she made him do it.  Even though I wasn't close to  him, it's still freakin hard to lose a grandparent.  I no longer have any grandparents living.  Which means I will have no grandparents at my wedding.  There are some people who haven't even felt the loss of a grandparent.  I will tell you, though, that it is something I don't wish on my worst enemy.  It feels like there are holes in my heart where they once were, and now that they're no longer on this earth, that hole will never be filled.  

I will miss you Gra, and I will try to find laughter in every conversation, just like you had done.  Say hi to Grandma for me. <3

New year new name

New year, New name, New self

I am trying to forgive and forget, but as I may forgive, it is nearly impossible to forget.  The way my heart broke, and the tears fell when I saw what was written, can never be erased.  It wasn't just pain from the way someone was talking about the way I PARENT my child, but the fact that the words came from someone who, until that point, I had trusted with my life, I could not forgive right away. There was such a feeling of anger and grief that took a very long time to over come. And still, that feeling of betrayal and anguish, cannot be forgotten.  Now, it has been almost two years, and I have moved on. And with having moved on, I need to get these words out. 

We may have had some good times, don't get me wrong. You were so much fun, and you and I had some wonderful times.  But in between those times, were the times where it was not so perfect.  Times where I was chastised for doing things that made me happy. ( teasing, and being made to feel guilty)

I am not here to defend myself, and I am not here to rail on the bad things. Rather, to clear the air. So with these last words, I hope the air is clear.

I hope that you are happy with your life, and your marriage and your children.  I hope that your children grow healthy, strong, smart, and fun and that you savor each moment with them.  I pray that your life with your family is long and fulfilling, and that you find peace like I have.  Maybe someday, if we see each other, it would not be an awkward passing glance, but a nice hello. 

Stay happy, Stay healthy, stay faithful,

fran